This morning is a kiss of longing

14 Mar

Around me the world is spinning. Earthquake and Tsunami in Japan, makes me think of an ex who lives there now. We haven’t spoken in a while but I hope she’s well. Let’s face it, there are other things in the world to think of. Things are still popping off in Libya. But here I sit questioning my writing, questioning my being in this program and  questioning my future. Its the age of story of the second semester, graduating “senior”. You want out, but don’t feel ready. You think you have potential but aren’t sure if you can live up to it. You think what your doing is good work, but is it?

Last week I read at Works In Progress a series I curate at Mills. I choose some of my favorite poems from my thesis. After it was over, I got a few good jobs but not exactly the reception I hoped to receive. Is my writing that bad? Or is my presentation bad? I’ve gotten to a stage in my life where I feel like I’m a pretty good person to have read aloud. Its part of the high opinion I have of myself as a performer. Maybe it was the setting. Or maybe it was the presentation or maybe it was the words but I feel totally ill prepared to enter the world as poet and be successful.

Sometimes, but not always, I imagine myself at readings mingling, meeting editors who end up reading my work and publishing it. Sometimes I imagine myself as a social entity with the ability to tell charming stories and give out business cards and actually receive some sort of something from it. But then I remember I’m me and that just simply isn’t going to happen.

I met with my thesis adviser. He advised me to attempt to enact more in my work. To not get caught up in the familiar and insert myself. There is a part of me that wishes that I had a cause and a social sense and the ability to express myself in fashion that people would find new and interesting and engaging. Instead, there is just me.

It’s raining outside, I’m exhausted and this post is a little saddening. So to close, let me just say, I hope where ever you are in the world you are safe and well and that you never begin to believe that you are anything but good, generous and a genius. Potential is over rated, there is only trust in the next moment.

 

Best Wishes,

 

E

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2 Responses to “This morning is a kiss of longing”

  1. KG March 14, 2011 at 3:52 PM #

    The feelings you are having are so common for the writer and even more common for the poet, and yet still more common than that for the graduating MFAer. My point is, you are not alone. There are a lot of us out here still waiting to feel like we know what we are doing. I’m not sure it will ever happen. I think that with every new experience we redefine ourselves, which means our writing will change and with that change, we will feel like we are starting again — at the beginning.
    Your idea to trust in the next moment seems plausible, if that works for you. I personally trust in the now. Right this moment is all there is. The next moment is what we “want” and so it makes sense to trust in that as well because we’re all striving toward something — right?
    I was at your reading and I’m not sure what I said to you afterwards since I was so caught up in hellos and how-are-yous, so here is my feedback now — you are always poised and poetic when you get in front of an audience. You deliver consistently. If I could have picked the ones you read, I would not have picked the ones that are most ready, but the ones that haven’t been read aloud, the ones that are truly works in progress. That way, you would have been pushed outside of your comfort zone. There is something beautiful about watching a poet/writer read from what is new, from what has never been shared in a public space — the beauty is in the risk taking, the uncertainty, the intimacy, the uncomfortableness of standing there trusting in the next moment :-). So I wonder how well received it would have been to read work that was risky — how would you have grown from that moment of stepping into uncertain territory? Who can say? What is, is. But I think you’ll fair well to release yourself from this space of thinking that you are not good enough. I think if you sit with your poems for a while and ask yourself — Have I given in to these poems or am I still trying to make them bend to my will? — the answer will hold some sort of revelation for you — something like — Oh Damn! I’m still trying to bend the spoon when there isn’t a damn spoon. ???? And of course, I’m still trying to figure out which pill I swallowed — red or blue — so take all of this with a grain of salt 😉
    Happy Writing!!!
    xo
    kg

    • misse87 March 14, 2011 at 4:44 PM #

      Thanks for your thoughts KG. I will say that about 50% of what I read was stuff I haven’t read aloud before which was interesting to hear them that way. Your right I need to sit down with the work and just go. But I don’t know if I’ll have time to give it the attention it deserves. I barely found a minute to post to the blog. ‘Preciate you though!

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