Sometimes you give yourself lemons

17 Feb

So Tuesday was the date our rough drafts for the thesis were due. It seemed like everyone was done, while I typed until 8PM. It wasn’t like I didn’t see this coming. After all I’m the only one of my thesis group who can recite the calendar backwards and forewards. For some reason the thesis is totally out of my head. Writing is out of my head.

Do you ever have these moments? Where nothing in the world seems to matter? Not even those things that you’ve put your whole being into? I’m having a moment like that. I don’t think I’m depressed or anything, just unfocused. Which, with a personality like mine, can lead to depression.  I’m a planner. I’m the sort of person who should know what she’s doing. Now that I’m almost done with my program I’m beginning to wonder if this was the thing I should have been doing.  

I have an ear for accents. I could be performing or working for the government. I wanted to do something with Japanese. I could be teaching English in Japan or something.  I could have done business or economics and be working for a fortune 500 right now.  Or something technical and be working at Google or Facebook. Those last two are partly impossible because I’m horrible with numbers. There are so many places to be right now. And self-doubt is so much easier than self-confidence.

I’m hoping this is a phase. That eventually my will to improve and be the best will win out. But maybe not. Maybe I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and float.  The water stagnant like so many dreams…

God…I’m such an emo poet.

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